The Advance-Titan

Your TRUE horoscope

Kellie Wambold

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Described as “courageous, energetic, willful, commanding, leading and often leads when
following would be best course of action.”

How To Spot One: They’re the group project member that wants to take charge but really
shouldn’t. They just want to because they think leading will get them out of the actual work, but
when someone else screws up, they’ll go on and on about how they could’ve done it better.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Described as “pleasure seeking, loves control, dependable, grounded, provokes slowly and highly sensual in nature.”

How To Spot One: The person dancing on literally everyone at Molly’s? Yeah, that’s a Taurus. Afterwards they choose where the group gets drunk food and probably steals some of their friend’s food after eating all of their own.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Described as “cerebral, chatty, loves learning and education, charming and adventurous.”

How To Spot One: This person has a twin they always talk about, whether it’s an actual twin or their best friend who they say “is always on my wavelength! I swear, it’s like we’re the same person. We’re just connected on a different level!”

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Described as “emotional, group-oriented, seeks security, family.”

How To Spot One: They are a walking wreck and can’t be left alone for more than an hour. There are almost daily calls to mom because she’s the only one who really gets them and they have a framed picture of them together on their desk.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Described as “generous, organized, protective, beautiful.”

How To Spot One: This person has everything together, and they know it. They like to brag about their great job, amazing friends and perfect grades. But their bragging is hidden under fake insecurity. “I just don’t know if I can handle my 4.0 GPA, perfect significant other and high-paying job all at once,” they sigh as they play with their perfect hair, somehow still looking good when they mess it up.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Described as “particular, logical, practical, sense of duty, critical.”

How To Spot One: Virgos are just judgy neat freaks who view it as their personal duty to give
advice to anyone who will let them, or will at least stand still long enough to listen. Their best
friend’s relationship issues? They have a solution despite never having been in a relationship.

Their neighbor’s messy room? They’ll talk about the benefits of clean work space while they
gather dirty laundry.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Described as “balanced, seeks beauty, sense of justice.”

How To Spot One: Libras are the level-headed member of the group, which can be useful, until they actually have to make a decision. Every pro and con of option must be weighed, and often they end up balancing out, making it impossible to make a clear decision. It would’ve been better to just flip a coin.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Described as “passionate, exacting, loves extremes, combative, reflective.”

How To Spot One: Taurus might dance on everyone, but Scorpios will actually seal the deal every weekend. And every Monday they’ll tell anyone who will listen exactly what happened in details that no one asked for. When they’re not talking about these escapades, they’re the human form of “fight me” and will start an argument about anything.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Described as “happy, absent-minded, creative, adventurous.”

How To Spot One: There’s a permanent vacant expression on their face, and it looks like they’re listening, but when asked their opinion, they jump a little and blink repeatedly. “What? Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I’ve been singing ‘Gangnam Style’ in my head.” Usually before any poor decision they ask, “What could possibly go wrong?”

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Described as “timeless, driven, calculating, ambitious.”

How To Spot One: The human embodiment of Slytherin house wrapped in Hufflepuff looks.

When they started attending organization meetings, they looked innocent enough. Without anyone noticing, though, by the end of the year they’re the president’s best friend and running the group from behind the scenes. They’ll never take over the president, preferring to be the invisible mastermind.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Described as “forward-thinking, communicative, people-oriented, stubborn, generous, and
dedicated.”

How To Spot One: Everyone wants to hate them, but they can’t because they’re actually a
genuine person. Unlike Leos, they have everything together and are humble about it. They
followed through on campaign promises when they ran for club president, which they won
unanimously. It’s everyone’s goal to find just one bad thing about them.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Described as “likeable, energetic, passionate, sensitive.”

How To Spot One: Public mental breakdowns are their thing, so just look for the person in the
corner of the library rocking back and forth in the fetal position. When they’re not falling apart,
they’re talking on the phone way too loudly about someone else’s drama with a terrifying
amount of enthusiasm.

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Independent Student Newspaper of the University of Wisconsin Oshkosh
Your TRUE horoscope