The name’s Paul. Pub Crawl Paul. No relation to Angel Dust — at least not directly. Never mind, don’t ask. What am I doing this weekend? Manically chugging wheat-flavored, inhibition-reducing La Croix from a perplexingly early hour. Why do you ask? Oh, there’s a pandemic? Well, let me tell you about a video I saw on Facebook…

Want to stay at school? Of course I do, but you know we’re gonna get sent home anyway, right? That’s why you’ve got to live it up and party while we still can. Circular thinking? Do I look like a geometrist to you? Ha! Of course I don’t value education, learning or have any intention of embodying ideals of lifelong learning; that’s why I’m actively destroying my already crippled mind. It’s funny; I’ll be more toasted than a wedding reception, but you’ll be LIT — Living in Terror.

A mask? No, I don’t need a mask. I’m young; I won’t get sick. My liquor is 100-proof; my immune system is COVID-proof. That’s not how it works? Are you sure? You know, I took a biology class my freshman year. Maybe it was chemistry. I don’t know, but I’m taking it again this year. What were we talking about?

Can’t you let the mask thing go? It’s hard to breathe with it on. Yes, it’s hard to breathe when I’m wearing a mask and I climb a flight of stairs. Do you seriously mean to suggest my shortness of breath atop a single flight of stairs is a symptom of my unhealthy diet — which I plan to indulge in this weekend with wild abandon and hedonistic gluttony? No, I don’t believe it. Cardiovascular fitness? No, it’s this damn veil-like piece of fabric — this Freedom Muzzle® — over my nose.

Says who? Scientists? Doctors? Oh please, you know they’re just a bunch of pawns on Bill Gates’ payroll. Oh yeah? Well, we’ll see who’s laughing when they microchip your Commie-ass. COVID is clearly nothing more than left-wing conspiracy to further the globalist’s plan for a world government. Helicopters circling overhead? Oh. I thought you were being serious. Well, if you’re going to play along with the Lamestream Media’s narrative, wave goodbye to your freedom. That’s why we’ve got to drink this weekend — to protect our freedom.

Yes, I insist on Crawling this weekend. A bratty child? You’re the one suggesting I don’t do something just because you’re unable to. Oh, you can’t come? Why not? Moral obligation? What the hell’s that?