Once again, the left is perpetrating fake news, and the claims are nearly as fetid as the subject. Food waste, they claim, is a growing issue, alleging that nearly a third of all food we produce is wasted, which apparently contributes to a so-called 1.3 billion metric tons worldwide. It might sound scary, but don’t worry; the safest course of action is simply to dismiss these reports as fake news, despite superfluous calls for farmers, politicians, corporations and non-governmental associations alike to take action.

They, the left, in their usual, obstinate ways, don’t stop at claims of waste; they go so far as to provide evidence. The validity of this evidence is undoubtedly questionable, being backed by “science” and “research,” whatever that is. Their “research” states that food waste contributes significantly to greenhouse gas emissions and that 40 percent of food wasted occurs on the consumer’s end. An absurd claim, as it’s common knowledge that we’re far too gluttonous to allow food, of all things, to go to waste. But apparently even insulting our food consumption isn’t enough for the liberals. They have to take it as far as saying that the mere name “food waste” is a misnomer, saying that it’s not only food being wasted. They say that by wasting food, we’re effectively wasting gas used to transport the food and water used to grow the food. I don’t get it. I mean, how’s it wasting water if we’re just throwing food out?

Those tree-hugging freaks won’t give it a rest. They can’t even give my farmer uncle a break, saying that his ginormous irrigation system is wasting fresh water resources or that the runoff from his fertilizers and insecticides is ruining the lakes and streams in our watershed. What the hell is a watershed? I’ve got a water-shed in my backyard; it stores my water skis and water tubes, which I didn’t use this year, ‘cause the water in the lake looked like pea soup. I wonder why that is…

My lefty neighbor, when he overheard me complaining about it, said it was due to chemical runoff from farms and residential areas that overwhelm natural organisms in the waterways and lead to massive algae blooms. He said that it can get so bad that cities have to turn off their tap water systems, like in Toledo, Ohio. But I’m not worried about that. That’s like, way on the other side of the country, right? I don’t know, geography is hard.

Some countries, I hear, are actually taking action and buying into the fake news media. The bozos over in France have regulations in place that force supermarkets to either donate or compost expired food. Can you believe all that work? Leave it to the liberals to make a bunch of work out of something as simple as landfilling, am I right? And some producers and supermarkets are reforming their sell by dates, which, I guess, will make it easier for consumers to tell how long a food is good for. But I’m not supportive; I like throwing milk out a week before it’s bad. I like throwing out food that’s still good. I like wasting money. (Go figure, I’m a Republican).

Insolence. With unbridled insolence, I tell you, is the only way these liberals know how to act. They go so far as to tell me that our waste of fruits and vegetables is a product of how toxic our aesthetic culture is. Overtly insulting American culture, I tell you. These people have no shame. They say it’s because in the ‘30s, (jeez, I’m old) when the frozen food revolution took place and my mom started bringing home oranges in January, it gave Americans the idea that produce is always perfect. Apparently when I Instagram my cup of fresh fruit at breakfast in Trump Tower I’m only furthering that mindset. But I don’t like that. I like to buy the best looking fruit.

I like to judge things on the way they look. That’s why I voted for Trump — I mean, can you believe that? Those luscious locks, at that age? Those big hands?

I tell you, if those leftist snowflakes think I’m willing to believe that an ugly apple has the same nutritional value as a photogenic one, they’re more detached from reality than the fake-news media. If you think I care that the amount of food that goes to waste each year could feed the world’s hungry for four years (as the “research” suggests), you’d be sorely mistaken. But no kidding, I didn’t vote a white nationalist into power just to help out people in need. It’s like the Supreme Leader — I mean, President Trump says: “America First.”

I’m just sick of the lies, or, as the left, and some dodgy organization called the United Nations, say, “evidence.” The left needs to get it through their heads that we don’t care about our planet, and you can’t, and won’t, make us. And even if we, and governments and special interest groups and corporations and NGOs pretend to care, we still don’t. It’s far more profitable to claim we’re for sustainability today and look the other way tomorrow when it comes time to actually work for something for once in our lives. What the left wants us to do, to address food waste, to address climate change and to address disparities between rich and poor nations will require hard work, serious legislation and, God forbid, moral character. No thank you. If you’re under the impression we’re willing to pledge allegiance to something higher than the dollar bill, you ought to take a look at my MAGA hat and think twice.