‘The Jesus Rolls’ belongs in the gutter

Nolan Fullington, columnist

“The Jesus Rolls” is the sequel to “The Big Lebowski” that nobody asked for that came 20 years too late.

The film is brought to you by John Turturro who wrote, directed and stars in his role as Jesus Quintana, a side character from “The Big Lebowski.” The film is the cinematic equivalent of a gutter ball.

Jesus (Turturro) and his best friend, Petey (Bobby Cannavale), spend the 80-minute runtime either stealing vehicles or having three ways. The objective of the film is to get the female character, Marie (Audrey Tautou), to finally achieve an orgasm for the first time.

To summarize the film, it’s very awkward and uncomfortable. This is what happens when the Coen Brothers aren’t there to navigate the stranger aspects of a screenplay. The Coens have a very particular style that’s difficult to replicate and this is the result of trying to pastiche that style with no real guiding hand. The dialogue and performances reflect just that, as it feels like someone trying to write Coen Brother-esque characters, which just leads to odd performances.

It’s very hard to look at this film on its own because it’s the sequel to “The Big Lebowski.”

Regardless of that or not, “The Jesus Rolls” is just awful. It’s my least favorite kind of movie, which is not just a bad comedy, but a film that solely relies on quirky and weird to the point of utter annoyance with nothing else to offer.

It’s not just the type of film that’s not funny, it’s the kind that’s so unfunny that it’s painful. Even at 80 minutes, it felt so long.

I’d be curious to know if the film was cut down significantly or not because Google puts this film at two hours, but it’s barely ninety minutes as it is now.

That leads to the other issue with the film: it makes no sense.

Nothing happens in the film. It is completely plotless and void of any story. Things just sort of happen and they happen for no reason. Jesus and Petey keep stealing cars for no reason. Every scene in this film is completely disposable and connects to nothing. It’s definitely the most incomprehensible film of the year.

Perhaps 20 years ago, people would care about a sequel to “The Big Lebowski,” but John Turturro and everyone else just looks so old. Christopher Walken and Jon Hamm even show up for one scene and it’s almost identical to when Cameron Mitchell shows up in B-movies for one scene and sits behind a desk, then collects his paycheck.

So Jesus and his friend Petey drive around in cars with their special lady friend, Marie, who admits to never achieving an orgasm before. So she agrees to have Jesus and Petey try to accomplish that. However, they can’t get her to orgasm. It’s not until Pete Davidson shows up that Marie finally achieves an orgasm. That’s the central conflict of the film.
“The Jesus Rolls” is a painful experience that is both incomprehensible and uncomfortable; I think I hated it. I suppose if you want to watch it, you can rent it for 99 cents.